| back in the desert |
[Dec. 2nd, 2008|10:35 pm] |
You want the desert oasis to always relieve the wretched thirst that robs you of the ability to salivate. But what were you thinking, believing that a stream in the desert, of all places, would never run dry?
At first, among the endless redundancy of wind crafted sand dunes, the oasis is your every salvation. In a landscape where everything is more and more of the same dusty, choking, blinding sand, a small pool of water is so different it magnetizes all your attention. Instinctively sensing its beneficial existence, a dependence on the good is made faster than an instant of time will allow. You don't even give yourself a moment to wonder how it came to be; the reason why this collection of refreshment appeared in a place it should not be found.
You enjoy your life. The sun pours down in golden streams and pleasure's omnipresence puts joy in everything. There is good in rainy days and even an empty wallet can't keep you down.
And then the pool dries up. And once you return to the same suffering in a bland world where everyone alive is lifeless, you try to recall what it felt like to have refreshment at your side, available at any time.
And when you catch yourself wondering why you should continue sifting through the sands in such a barren place, looking for gold and shamefully knowing that dirt will do, you realize you can't remember the satisfaction you had. All you know now is the suffering the world has asked you to endure. And then the knowledge surfaces, you do not need the oasis to survive.
Education is the manifestation of the perfection that lies in man. Ignorance is the desert we have all walked through.
if something is good to the last drop, wouldn't you work hard to make sure there was no last drop?
TruMental |
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| a mixture of many things |
[Nov. 15th, 2008|09:58 pm] |
I seek a room constructed with a window to the outside world that can never be closed. It is permanently exposed to the environment. The perpetual opening remains a symbol that its tenant does not fear the outside.
---
Thoughts and words stirred together.
Tie your own knots and you should know how to untie them.
--
A meeting unexpected, of which chance was the arranger.
An inseparable bond, of which knowledge and learning was in charge. And a knot was formed.
I know how to untie it, but the knot holds something secure. It is in place to fasten and stabilize and facilitate the use of that which it clings to. Perhaps one day I will no longer have use for it, and it will be loosed.
-
She begins. It has been a while; you feel the same way to me. But I cant feel the same way towards you, something changed. If I was uncertain of how to express it before, it is even more of a mystery now.
Be true to yourself is what I say. But if you have been living with the benefits of a lie for long enough, what is false becomes true. And you no longer know the difference.
Forming a smile with slightly parted lips, she wants to talk but makes no sound. Her mind screams, Do you remember?
I laugh nervously, believing I know the greater truth. How different would you be having never known me?
I remember, she continues, that you erased the book of my life and rewrote it within two months. Silently, she stated that it was the greatest thing.
I think, if you only knew what you have done for me, if you only knew
I say, that's interesting. Glad to know I could help out.
At some point, what is and is not said will all become known to the both of us. Our minds may have the same feelings and occupy the same space again. And maybe bodies too
Your shoelace is untied, she noticed.
I retort, Every moment your stare remains trained on my feet is time wasted not looking into my eyes. So that I may see your eyes, there is a reason I don't own nice shoes.
Tie it back, she insists.
*
Her eyes.
A concentric focusing of beauty's definition. Holding some property that which without you cannot admit will procure desirable attention.
Don't turn your gaze from mine. Should you do so I will not die. But I will have to live a little differently.
*
Your vision of the world, your hopes your dreams are so close to you but you do not even know them and unintentionally break them. But I know they are special.
Your dismembered dreams are crushed to dust as a piece of chalk authoring the greatest lesson in the world that broke when too much pressure was applied and became too small to continue writing.
In an attempt to write bolder you lost the tools to write.
But I got more chalk in my pocket, just ask and you shall see.
Great minds think aloud but their message perishes when no mind listens.
TruMental |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 1st, 2008|05:29 pm] |
i see this as your breaking free.
you have freed your bonds from within the darkness of the cave. moved past the falseness of its shadows. seen the light at its mouth.
and now you choose to step out into the light.
and for the first time, understand your reality..
do not expect a smile upon your face.
having been in the darkness to this point; first time in the light you are maladjusted to it.
it is harsh, uncomfortable and you may not be happy and have a tendency to return to the cave's imprisonment where you are limited by its walls.
having your mental boundaries defined is never pleasant, unless you do not know it
in a world without mirrors, how would i know what i look like?
when you stare at a reflection of your face, you perceive what facial features the mirror displays. it is only when we see ourselves that we can become self critical and hate the wrinkles freckles moles and extra folds of flesh that society calls disgusting
if we could never see ourselves, maybe we would all be beautiful people. maybe
Just because i do not play with your rules does not mean I cant play. it is all the same game
TruMental |
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| what i hope to do one day |
[Oct. 22nd, 2008|07:10 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Hopeful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | INI - Grown Man Sport | ] |
Your head is my playground
No, I am not its groundskeeper.
The disordered malfunctioning mess that is there might have to remain.
It is not my duty to see that you keep it in working order.
But if by the means of my lonely enjoyment some order is regained-
The world is yours.
Uncounted grainy sands form convoluted folds and fissures and i form mounds into obscure sand castles.
I try the swings.
i rise high and fall again, with the head tilted forward backward and to one side.
Eyes open. eyes closed.
I climb the poles that the cautious children do not climb.
I confidently ascend these poles that support the safety nets of your playground.
I stray from where your mother said it was safe to play.
On steady feet i balance on the highest points and comfortably leap to the ground.
I slide head first into the sands and dig for the forgotten treasures they conceal.
I display mastery among the twisted metal of jungle gyms and swing across monkey bars not unlike the hairy primates of Africa.
After I have passed through your playground, resume your own play.
Play where I have played and left my mark.
The undecipherable graffiti will not wash away.
At times my enjoyment in the playground is your survival.
So perish if I am not entertained.
oh and vote obama
TruMental |
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| solitary nucleus of the brain |
[Oct. 10th, 2008|04:59 pm] |
Diamonds do not attain value until they have been extracted from the deep earth, cleaned cut and polished.
You will not recognize the precious rarity of solitude in this society unless you do good things with it.
For a decade the current generation has been described as largely unknown. Nobody knows what it stands for or represents.
It is characterized by an obsession with relationships with others
In times long gone, when you could not instantly communicate with somebody on the other side of the world, much less in the next town, people had no choice but to concern themselves more with the self. The world was not humming with electrical currents and phone rings. The general population has become so fixated on the parts of their lives that involve others, they forget to tend to the individual mind.
When was the last time time did something that involved absolutely no one else
It is at times like these you grow closer to the self and the dividing rifts of your mind close up
It is perfectly natural and acceptable in every form to seek human company. But is it necessary to constantly force yourself unto special someone whose shallow and brief expressions of love and commitment are your entire fulfillment?
It is all good to not know who you are or what you should be doing. But be careful that somebody else tells you what that should be. Let it happen naturally, you will find your place
Stop competing for the attention of others. Do not try proving to yourself what you are to world. If it doesn't feel completely right, get away not matter what they tell you
Stare into space at night. Study the stars too distant to see. There is somebody among them locking eyes with you
TruMental |
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| what i think about on the train |
[Oct. 10th, 2008|04:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  peaceful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The 9th Wonder- Sweetest Language | ] |
Even late into the night the bus collects passengers from solitary bus stops, urbanized with spray paint, old gum and empty drink cups.
On the bus, the driver keeps the lights illuminated to keep up the unwanted few extending the already extended working hours of laborious days. Having been through the best and worst of it you can sleep anywhere. But not here
Lights casts identity on the thug who robs you, only to have the police reveal he does not exist. In the light strain your eyes to examine the obscure glare of your reflection on the window and see what the work has done to you. Use the light to read the media and powerful men who dictate your predetermined fate. No time to rest the spent heads and bodies, you are needed. Those above you need you. The rich can not exist without the poor.
The light illuminates what they want you to see. So become their light source and see what they want you to. Without this light, they could not see how rich they are. How greedy they are. How ungiving they are. How broken they are. And at the the same time, how perfect they are.
Your life is the sun of their days and they do not want it to set anytime soon.
So stay awake, stay alive. You have a function
All you seek is a moment in the dark to contemplate and imagine that the inky absence of light is the cessation of your bright existence. To stop existing in a place where you are studied and cultivated, breeded to pronounce the desired traits.
Aside from the precious moments of isolation, feel as though you have to live up to the expectations you had no part in creating. You are expected to fail and fall into a crack in the sidewalk they walk upon and sprout up like those blades of grass that grow through solid concrete.
The strongest, toughest, most able to survive in destitution blades of grass.
I think white people like having ghettos around. If there were none, who would collect their garbage?
Trumental |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 7th, 2008|10:03 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
I have been looking for the only thing greater than myself.
Do not misconstrue the implications of that statement as worship of myself. It applies to everybody in a simple way
What it means is that I yearn for something greater than the self, the individual. In the present day, when sometimes the only real privacy you have are the thoughts in your head, the lonely individual suffers.
I have suffered, felt joy and been distraught. And I have suffered, felt joy and been distraught. And I have suffered
This suffering is not a depression or me feeling sorry for myself. I have friends and people who tell me hi/bye and write up on my facebook. I got friends to drink with, party with and laugh with. But I'm still missing something
There is some kind of human connection that without we remain unhappy. It is a connection to another individual that surpasses physical needs . And the reason it is so great is that it can be satisfied by just one person.
The right person
Dont stop looking
Lead your life not by what makes you happy, but by what makes you a better person. Because that is the only way you will be happy, guaranteed.
TruMental |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 1st, 2008|07:43 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Invigorated | ] |
Something good happened today.
Some people I didnt really know too well made me smile like Christmas morning.
What they revealed about themselves to me was like a blind man seeing light and colours for the first time.
At first it is uncertain how to utilize the new sense, but knowing that you will learn and the things you will see....
The potential for friendships with beautiful people who fear how no man shall judge them. They expect nothing of you, but the precious times you spend around each other is damn good. They dont expect to be defined as best friends or want constant texting and phonecalls or dinner dates to feel special. The connection is just there..
When those good, strong feelings transcend into physical sensation, you know it is worth keeping around
It deeply astounds me how much joy I find when I see the ignorance of others, and there are special people who see the same thing.
This is because unless you are an individual of creative genius, it is damn hard being alone.
It is a constant mission to find the people you think like you do.
Appreciate what you do.
Enjoy what you do.
TruMental |
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| motivation to continue |
[Sep. 25th, 2008|11:25 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Buju Banton - Wanna Be Loved | ] |
Some days I rise with a feeling that something extraordinary will occur in the course of the day's events.
I question if it is possible that before this longitudinal sliver of the globe turns its back to the sun, I might find fulfillment and purpose in being here. Have a damn good reason for throwing back the bed sheets in an obsequious compliance to the reliable appearance of daylight, rather than hiding under the thin linens, afraid to expose much more than a half open eyelid to the world.
Yet I continue to give in to the routine that has been established for me, not by me.
More importantly than brushing teeth and bathing so I may render myself presentable to the world, I continuously pray until reaching my desired destination for the day.
In praying, I bestow good things upon myself, select friends and enemies, and then you.
And every morning, as I pray, I wonder what good it will do. Can one man's thoughts disperse happiness?
So I guess my motivation is to give the world a chance to show that it is not a bad place; i really don't think it is meant to be such. But this doesn't mean you have to prove something to me, rather prove it to yourself.
I must remain more patient than a man awaiting the end of forever......
Still, there are moments when I feel it is time for the last man standing to take his seat.
Thankfully this weekend, I will have a chance to paint smiles on the faces of some good peoples i know. Maybe this time, even my brother will join me
And now I should resume writing some inane assignment for english class. I despise being told what to write
TruMental |
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| fight |
[Sep. 20th, 2008|09:08 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | looking ahead | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Terror Fabulous - Gun Fool | ] |
Psychological studies have demonstrated that even when your mind is depressed into an abyss of lonely fear, forcing your lips into a smile makes you a little happier.
we lie to ourselves and believe what we want to, whatever makes our world alright
we argue against what is and accept what isn't
We resist truth in favor of deceptively constructed realities
I think that it is behavior ingrained in the tangled fibers of every human brain- fighting everything we are not satisfied with.
And because nobody is ever fully satisfied with the current state of anything, there will always be fights.
And in every fight, there is a winner and the loser.
And today, I won a fight.
Be the change you want to see in the world
--MG
Look behind you and miss what is happening to your front
When you feel more down on yourself than ever before, the dice have ceased to fall in your favor, you are being closed in pressured choked and would do anything to be released from the problems of this world, this life
When you know your soul has reached the extent of its endurance-
Smile.
Smile because it is the hardest thing to do. And once you have overcome the most difficult, everything comes easier ;)
TruMental |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 14th, 2008|05:52 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | ??? | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Nas - The World Is Yours | ] |
my head is cloudy.
not sad or depressed or wishing i lived in the most simple of human populations where your every moment of life is focused on survival and surviving and protecting and feeding, such that there is no time for the inactivity of idle minds to aggregate and formulate useless, absurd ideas.
im actually in a light mood.
but it is cloudy. maybe a little confused
and noticeably obscured by a heavy, wet fog that smells of ignorance, tastes like dangerously misplaced audacity and feels so much like people not knowing what a friend is.
your perception of a friend runs thinner than a winter layer of ice over a lake so delicate that the ants have to march cautiously across. and even so, they will occasionally fall into the numbing waters below.
i am an uninvolved, unenthusiastic, only partially interested audience member at a sporting event, who was just blamed for the loss of the home team. for reasons the party blaming me cant even begin to conceive.
they think this only grazes the outermost dead layer of skin, not even enough to draw blood.
but, as they will never be able to know, it sharply penetrates and invades every possible entry to the heart, the mind and their intersection at the soul. it is closer to the core than the marrow of every bone and reaches past the shell of every cell's nucleus, skillfully pulling apart and rewiring the life encoding DNA to something newer, better. more stable. stronger
i am fully responsible for this. ask the right people, and it was the best damn thing that ever happened.
unfortunately they would just hate to see such a change revealed. they cant see that sometimes a person privately wants to change how they think. needs to.
but they dont listen. maybe they even choose not to
they firmly believe in protecting their close, dear friends with whom they have hugged and reached for cameras to take superstar pictures and think that smiling and sharing inside jokes makes two people closer than the hands of a clock at noon.
if you care about a person, you would know that they are anything except who they appear to be.
everybody hides something
they operate and behave the way a lot of parents do today. these parents want to give their children shields and armor with which to defend themselves in the battlegrounds of the world so that they will never have experience so much as a scratch. but in the process of being so defensive, they forget to give them a sword to fight with. a sword to slay enemies with, lead armies with, and a sword to conquer countries and achieve the pinnacle of individual success.
what great soldier would drop his sword in favor of a shield?
i do love me some women. but damn sometimes they are just....
to you i say- just ask if fulfillment escaped.
because clearly, you dont know what happened. cant know.
its strange how when you look somebody dead in the eyes and state the most truthful statement, their minds refuse to accept it.
but lie casually and fabricate a story, and everybody will listen and stupidly nod their heads in agreement.
i certainly dont laugh at the face of oppression. but i do laugh when i feel oppressed
TruMental |
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| faith |
[Sep. 8th, 2008|07:42 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | confident | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Ahmad Jamal - I Love Music | ] |
i fear no man but God
over the last couple weeks, I have found myself in situations induced by circumstances that may or may not have been under my control. knowing myself, if i was in the position i am now a year ago, i would have not been very functional. not talking to anybody much, avoiding interaction, losing appetite etc. Because back then, every time I was in a depressed mood, the thing I wanted most was for everyone around me to share my pain. Face what I was about to.
Stand adjacent to me in the lion's den and bring them down with me.
but when we want somebody most, we find ourselves alone.
the people around you neglect to answer the phone or show genuine concern.
nobody understands. nobody cares. nobody cares to understand.
you cry but no tears are shed.
but such is the way of the world. everybody got their own stuff going on, and naturally it is more important than what you are caught up in.
i have forgotten how it feels to be depressed and trampled on.
its not so much that i dont care, but my mind is strong to the point where such things no longer upset me. its more than when life throws lemons at you make lemonade, keeping your chin up, a half full glass or finding sunshine on a cloudy day.
its more like getting caught in the rain, realising you have no umbrella, and strolling through the weather anyway. you dont seize up in anger and uselessly throw your fist into the air against the forces of nature; you dont hide under the nearest covering and wait for it to pass. you dont get phased by the heavy, water soaked clothes clinging to your shivering skin or the people that keenly observe this and ask the brilliant question, forget your umbrella?
yeah it would have been better if i had an umbrella. i would not be so cold and wet and in fear of being unpresentable especially when everybody else around you was protected from the elements. you feel stupid, inadequate, regretful and so desperately wish for things to go back you think that the next time you blink that is what will happen.
and then i feel none of those things.
lingering beads of water run down your face so you could weep and nobody would ever know. shoes trek noisily past everybody. your socks retain the wetness until you have a chance to change them.
and i dont care.
i once thought that faith was nothing but blind optimism- convincing yourself that your life story would unfold in a favorable way, every day. and that even when something bad happened, it was somehow good.
but sometimes the bad is just that.
and even though i know its bad, i smile and laugh out loud. i dont need to listen to mellow songs and desire an end to the world. i just smile some more :)
because this aint over yet...
if you love the person you are, you have no right to have regrets. because the person you have become is a result of every experience you lived through, good and bad. so never feel like you went through those difficult times for nothing.
TruMental |
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| the people around me |
[Sep. 4th, 2008|01:14 pm] |
Since my days of 1st grade education, when anybody and everybody was a best friend, when i once walked home in the middle of the day, when my same bike was stolen and recovered 3 times in the school parking lot... i have been the product of a public school system in what was consistently rated as one of the worst in the country.
yet i managed to get into a private university where the tuition far exceeds my mother's income over the last 10 years, with a full scholarship. when most people ask why or how i was able to get my schooling (34K a year) all paid for, i usually answer its because im black.
that is part of my mindset that developed with my experiences in public school, in which i keep things real. i prefer to express my observations and views as they are, without any curtailing to make them less brazen, which many seem to be offended by.
but in this private university, i dont think that many people keep it real. I used to watch the movie white chicks and laugh at them white girls, but before coming to school here i honestly didnt know that anybody legitimately spoke like that. i guess i still have much more to learn
i think most everbody around me is fake. by that i mean they plan their lives heavily influenced by what they perceive is the world's impression of them.
one day you might understand as you buy those clothes
and paint your lovely pinkies and gently groomed toes
in an effort to win over the world's approving lies,
that a shallow exterior becomes your brittle inside
TruMental |
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| why im doin this |
[Sep. 3rd, 2008|11:09 pm] |
Instrumentals
Sometimes you choose to listen to a song sans vocal lyric
you can remove the sometimes beautiful, sometimes heart warming, sometimes mood elevating, often unpleasant sound of a voice from any song of your choice. and whats left is the instrumental
music without voice is still music. but you cant take away the essence of the instrumental and still call it music
we cant communicate to anybody in this manner, or almost any other, without the use of words. however, the nature of words cause them to limit the expression of what you try to express. right now i could say i am happy, sad, pensive or straight chillin. but do any of these words perfectly capture what I personally feel? never. i use words created by people i may never know in ways they wanted them to be used. only the original inventor and propagator of a word really has a right to assign its true meaning, to capture what they feel at that moment in time. and then that personal feeling at that instant may never resurface again. only things similar to it. humans are too complex to share identical thoughts and emotions/feelings.
i believe that no matter how hard you may try, or how well you think you are doing it, no person can ever reveal his wholesome, true self unto a fellow man. that is because with the factor of another person's presence, whether physical presence or a digital connection, you unconsciously modify your behaviour in an attempt to form an impression you want others to have of you, for reasons that could remain unknown. and in doing this, you are becoming unfamiliar with yourself. do this too much, and you can lose yourself, gaze upon your reflection and wonder what that person is thinking. i catch myself doing it constantly, changing the impression i want to give between good friends and best friends, co workers and family members, and that girl
by writing anonymously for an audience of nobody, i can examine my own thoughts without any of the behavioral changes that arise in any social interaction. by removing the factor of human interaction, i may get a good look at my own (ins)tru mental. i hope this is the start of something good
for the most part, i think i know who i am. but i have no idea why
from time to time, the thoughts and feelings wrestling in my head will transcend unto the disordered array of lettered keys so that i may uncover myself.
if i had invented the keyboard, i would have put it in alphabetical order.
TruMental |
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